


Worth

by yarnandtea



Series: Lyrium Song [4]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Dragon Age II - Freeform, Fenders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 12:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/748444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea/pseuds/yarnandtea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders and Fenris try to figure out how to proceed with whatever this is that has grown between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth

**Author's Note:**

> Implied past non-con is brought up here in passing. Not enough that I felt it warranted an archive warning, but I do want to give you a heads up in case even the mention of it is triggering for you.

"You know, if you keep spending all of your free time here, the others _are_ going to start talking."

Anders extinguished the lanterns outside the clinic and glanced back at Fenris as he stepped inside to close the doors. A small smile played across his face as the elf's nose wrinkled up in response to the observation.

"I care little for what other people may think." Fenris huffed.

"Oh?" Anders leaned back against the door and tilted his head, curious. Fenris fidgeted under the attention. "I would have thought you would want to keep this," he made a vague gesture between the two of them, "a secret."

"I do not mean to announce it to the world," Fenris scowled and crossed his arms. "It is no one's business but ours. But I see no reason to pretend it is anything other than it is." He turned and mumbled something under his breath. Anders thought it sounded like, "Not that I even know what 'this' is."

Anders issued a low laugh and pushed away from the door. Fenris was right enough about that, even if he couldn't seem to work up the nerve to actually initiate a conversation about it. Stolen kisses in the clinic, or in the street on the way home from the tavern, or even every once in a while after a battle, were only a part of what had grown between them. Far more precious to Anders was what seemed to be actual regard. There was a warmth in Fenris' eyes when they met Anders' now, and it was a sight Anders was coming to cherish.

He reached Fenris and traced a finger along his jaw, tilting his chin up so he could look into those bright green eyes. He crooked an eyebrow in question, a playful smirk on his face, and Fenris nodded ever so slightly. Anders leaned down and brushed his lips against Fenris', leaving it up to him if he wished to deepen the kiss or not. Fenris reached up and cupped the back of Anders' head, his fingers warm as they carded through the blond strands. He pulled Anders closer, making Anders bend down to meet him, refusing to stretch up on his toes. Unless wholly caught up in the moment, he was rather prickly about that, Anders had found. It was oddly endearing.

"Do _you_ wish to keep this a secret, then?" Fenris asked when he pulled back.

He was trying to keep a light tone, but Anders saw through it easily. He wondered briefly what the right answer might be, but then he dismissed the thought. There was no point in trying to just tell Fenris what he thought the other man wanted to hear. This only worked if they were honest with each other, after all. So, his only choice was to tell the truth, and let the dice fall where they may.

"Oh, Maker no!"

Fenris eased at Anders' quip and Anders grinned. He couldn't resist just a little bit of teasing though. It seemed implausible, but Fenris managed to bring out a more playful side of him, one he had thought was lost long ago.

"Can you imagine the looks on their faces when they find out you've decided you'd rather fuck me than kill me? I wouldn't miss that for _anything_."

"Pfaugh!" Fenris scowled and pushed Anders away, taking a step back himself and shaking his head.

"Hmm. No, you're right," Anders continued, "I suppose it would be more accurate to say you've chosen to fuck me _until_ you decide to kill me?" He waggled his eyebrows at the glowering elf.

"Can you take nothing seriously, mage?"

Anders caught Fenris' eyes and saw real annoyance in them. He sighed and started to apologize, but stopped short when he saw something else flash across Fenris' face. Something that looked horribly like _fear_. Anders felt as if he'd been slapped. He knew that particular look of fear well. He had seen it in the eyes of plenty of mages during his time in the Circle. He suddenly felt like a colossal ass. His suggestion that Fenris was only toying with Anders until he tired of him must have hit far too close to home.

_Stupid, idiotic, selfish fool_. He chided himself. _Yes, let's remind him of all the things that bastard magister probably did to him_ and _suggest he's doing the same, to boot. Brilliant Anders, just bloody brilliant._

"Shit! Fenris, I'm sorr--"

"Don't." Fenris held up a hand, further trying to halt the apology. The momentary openness was gone, the usual shutters back in place.

Anders sighed and closed the gap between them, taking one of Fenris' hands in his own. His spiky gauntlets had long since been removed, they tended to get in the way when he was helping in the clinic. Anders traced his thumb along one line of lyrium, just lightly touching it. Fenris' eyes slid closed. Sometimes the brands bothered him terribly, Anders knew, but most of the time they were just...there. Just a part of him. One he wished every day he could be rid of, but a part of him nonetheless.

"I _am_ sorry," Anders insisted, his voice firm but quiet. He tugged on Fenris' hand gently, pulling him toward a bench resting against the back wall. Fenris followed willingly enough and they sat. Anders turned so he could look the other man in the eyes. "I can guess what you've been through. I shouldn't have been so flippant about us."

"I do not wish to speak of it." Fenris tried to look away, but Anders caught his chin, holding him in place. The grip was light. Fenris could break it if he wished to. Anders took encouragement when he let himself be held.

"I'm sure you don't." Anders sighed. "I really can't say I want any details. Especially not those you aren't willing to share, but..."

His nose crinkled and his brow furrowed as he tried to find the right words. The part of him that was Justice reared up and said this was the perfect opportunity to end things. He shut that down swiftly. Justice, Vengeance, whatever he wanted to call that side of himself, had been fighting against this growing relationship from the moment of that first kiss. That part of him was just scared of Fenris, of death, of failing in his quest. But he knew that death would come whether it was at Fenris' hands or someone else's, and he _wanted_ this. He couldn't help but feel that _this_ was what he was fighting for mages to be able to have.  Wasn't _he_ still one of those mages, after all?

_Of course we're not_ , the Justice side of him whispered. _We're barely even human any more. We fight so that others may have these rights, but there is a price. There is always a price._ Anders brushed those thoughts away. Whatever the price, he would not have to pay it today. Fenris was watching him now, he saw, waiting warily.

"I am past the idle pleasures of my younger days," Anders started again, trying a new direction. "And I don't believe you are looking for that kind of dalliance, either." Fenris scoffed and Anders offered up a small smile. "We both know you would go to Isabela if that was what you wanted." The tips of Fenris' ears reddened. Oh yes, he had considered it. Anders couldn't say he blamed him.

"What is your point, Anders?"

"My point is that if we are going to take this any further than kisses and chaste touches, we should be able to speak with each other about these things. That is, if you _want_ to take this any further than it has already gone." He bit his lip and squeezed Fenris' hand. "Do you?"

"I--" Fenris swallowed. Then he took a deep breath and gave a sharp nod. He looked up again, meeting Anders' eyes. "I do. But..."

"But not just yet?" Fenris nodded and Anders mirrored the movement. He had thought as much. He reached up his free hand to brush the hair from Fenris' face. "Was there never anyone of your own choosing, then?" It was the closest he could make himself come to voicing his suspicions aloud.

"If there was," Fenris said flatly, "it was from a time before I can remember. Whenever there was someone I might have chosen," he added softly, "the opportunity was, without fail, taken away from me."

Anders' eyes dropped shut and he resisted the urge to tighten his grip on Fenris' hand. Fenris did not want commiseration or sympathy. Neither would help him move on. Anders sighed and opened his eyes again.  

"Do you trust me, Fenris?"

"I'm not sure." There was only the slightest bit of hesitation before he said it. It stung, Anders could admit that. But it wasn't a surprise. Still, not too long ago there would have been no doubt in his mind that the answer would have been a quick and simple "no." So he could accept uncertainty. It was progress of a sort. Besides...

"That's probably for the best."

Fenris looked surprised but Anders just grinned at him, eliciting a scowl in return. He laughed softly, glad to have things back to their normal state. He leaned forward to steal another kiss, this one slow and exploring. Fenris sighed into his mouth, his body relaxing against Anders' as they moved closer together on the bench. Anders pulled back and gave Fenris a quick peck on the forehead.

"We can take this as slow as you want to," he said softly. "You're worth waiting for." It wasn't just Fenris' ears that went red this time. The flush spread across his entire face and down his throat.

"Thank you," he bit out.

"If I might make a suggestion, however?"

"Go on."

"It is late, and it has been a long day. Sleep here tonight. Just sleep. I promise, no wandering hands or anything."

Fenris was silent for several long minutes as he thought it over. One of his hands had moved to Anders' knee, the fingers tracing small circles in the fabric of his trousers. Anders bit back a smile. He didn't think that Fenris even realized he was doing it. The man was incapable of standing still if he did not have prey in his sights.

"I would like that, very much," Fenris said eventually.

They finished putting the clinic to rights and made for the back room where Anders slept. They readied themselves for bed quickly and soon enough Anders found himself wrapped loosely around a slowly relaxing Fenris. He pressed a kiss to the nape of Fenris' neck and stroked his hair while his breathing evened out. Only once he was certain Fenris was asleep did he allow himself to begin to drift off as well.

_This will delay our quest_. The thought floated through his mind when he was almost asleep. He tried to ignore it. _If he is here, watching, he will see what we plan. He_ will _try to stop us._

_Maybe_ , Anders admitted to himself. _But it is a risk I am willing to take._

**Author's Note:**

> For the Fenabela fans, please note, this was not in any way a bash at that ship. I LOVE that ship, and I firmly believe that it could grow to be more than "idle pleasures" for the pair of them. However, I do think that Fenris is more likely to go to her if he doesn't have someone else in his romantic sights, and that if he did, it would at the start at least be about him figuring out/getting comfortable with sex again. So in this timeline, he might have considered starting something with her, but then Anders happened and he realized he wanted to pursue that instead. I hope that makes sense. 
> 
> Also, I hope the bits with Justice make sense. I have a sort of theory for how their merger works (in this story, at least), but I would like to try to let it come out naturally in the story itself.


End file.
